Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Strange...Or, at least, Interesting Science!

So most of the people who are big on mindfulness and living in the moment might not like it...but I think there are a fair number of times when truly inhabiting the moment--releasing what has been and what will be--will result in some drinking.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


So, apparently, my MILLION DOLLAR PLAN!!! requires some clarification:

Jsun: So your million dollar plan is to let people pee on you?

Me: NO! My plan is to have the plan, and then get people to pay me 10% of the money they get paid for being peed on, because it was my idea.


Me: It's a pee-ramid scheme.

Damnit. I am funny. It is Science.

P.S. The plan (poorly articulated, though it was) was that, since everyone feels like they are being shit on anyway, being peed on is an improvement. Especially if they get paid for it. On the other side of the equation, people who feel like they are getting shit on will feel better if they get to be in the one-up position of peeing on someone else...in a retaliatory sort of way.

P.P.S. Plus, I get rich

Monday, January 16, 2012


Okay, so, in these political and economic times, EVERYONE feels like someone is crapping on them--AT LEAST one someone. SO. If you are well mentally organized, let people pee on you.
A) It is the most sanitary bodily fluid.
B) It's just a little pee, get over yourself.
C) It is practically community service! You are making people feel better!
D) Seriously, peeing on another person would make a lot of sick fucks feel better.
E) It isn't like these people are sick fucks, just normal people hit on hard times that want to sprinkle their winkle on you.
F) Really. What else are you doing with your time? Besides, you give/gave it away in the YMCA/gym/dorm showers.

P.S. Since it was my idea, I totally get 10%.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Context...RUINS things...

"If you're happy and you know it, then your pants will surely show it!"

Most awesome thing I have ever sung (top of my lungs, or otherwise).

P.S. It is possible I was singing to my dogs.

P.P.S. It is possible the line(s) before (and after) that was "If you're happy and you know it, pant real hard."

P.P.P.S. Context can suck it. Best story ever, "How I learned my friend JuicyFruit was a natural red head at Hempfest." The story sucks (I have much better stories about her), but the title is sublime.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Squash...touching me where my bathing suit covers...

So. I don't like squash. I just don't. Butternut has been so thoroughly abused, it cannot possibly have any dignity left. I hate pumpkin pie (all except one...don't get me started--people seem to think pumpkin pie is something they can argue you into liking...bizarre). It is POSSIBLE, just POSSIBLE, however, that I was fed some roasted acorn squash last night that was not an abomination. Or, rather, it was an abomination--but the kind I like in my tingly places. Behold:

Granted, it is "The Color Food Should Never Be" (remind me to tell you the story sometime), but it was actually pretty tasty. And a super-fun texture. Baby-food meets smoothie, but sexy-like.

It seems the flying spaghetti monster is the only one who will know the precise proportions of this drink, but here is the key info (by the by, Jsun swears this is precise):

"1 hefty tablespoon...as in a spoon you would use at the table...in the form of a soup spoon...heaped up" of Mashed, roasted acorn squash (seasoned with s&p, brown sugar, and butter)
2 "shots" courvoisier
"A hefty amount" of grated long pepper

We garnished it (this is a Jsun creation) with fresh grated "Long Pepper" (which was immediately, upon entering the house, rechristened "Dong Pepper" or "Schlong Pepper"--because we are mature and responsible adults, for fuck sake), which is entertaining the shit out of me, in and of itself. Aside from the fact that it is not often you encounter a new spice (touch it like you want to), this one is pretty fun. Like mild pepper, a cardamom-type hit, and a lovely floral tone pervading.

Beyond that, I got to try it as a result of a co-worker (let's call him T-Bone) introducing it to me. That he introduced me was not the wildly entertaining part, that he felt compelled to bring the bottle so I wouldn't think he was "trying to persuade co-workers to grate cat turds onto their food, in the ultimate practical joke" is the part I can't stop giggling about. He then allowed me to pluck a few berries from the bottle and place them in a baggie. (He also expressed concerns that just bringing a few of these berries in a baggie may cause him to look like some sort of pusher of illicit substances.)

I can't quite put my finger on it--maybe it is that he is a highly pleasant, middle-aged, white man of kind demeanor (for whom "T-Bone" is a delightfully ironic, or at least confusing, moniker)--but I am still fucking chuckling that it is in his mind (somewhere) to try and trick co-workers into shaving cat turds onto their dinner. Apparently I learned two things: Long pepper rocks, and T-Bone has a depth and nuance clearly worth exploring.

Science: Teaching us that even our most mild-mannered colleagues imagine tricking their enemies into shaving cat turds onto their food.

Shhhhh...It's a secret...

Pumpkin nickels! You don't know what that means. And neither do I. Don't have to. (I sometimes wonder if I have a mild, voluntary form of Tourette's...)

Sorry. I just really wanted to yell that just now (EVER so badly), but Jsun is on the phone--and it just wouldn't do.

P.S. I am in the bathroom.

P.P.S. You are totally creeped out now.

P.P.P.S. You are also intrigued. And I am also a dork. And maybe a bit tipsy.

P.P.P.P.S. I joined twitter (some random stab at taking blogging seriously...)
Now I just have to write a tweet...and learn how to use twitter...and get this ellipses issue under control...

Monday, January 2, 2012

"So Fucking Purple"

That is a quote. A direct, precise, and completely accurate quote. Just can't remember who said it...Chaseycakes, I think...It was her drink.

Apparently last night was color-themed...and lime wedge themed? Why the fuck does everything have a lime wedge garnish? Despite not having lime in it!? (Damn, I need an interrobang key. Someone should get on that.)

But, I digress. Some of the things (appropriately) said about this "beverage":

"Same color as dimatapp!"
(None of us is a child, or foolish enough to have one, so no dimatapp was on hand...It was however only slightly more purple than the grape flavored Delsyum cough syrup included in the photo for reference.)
"This is the taste of purple. Proportions: evil + evil = evil."
"It's like you've distilled 'purrpal draank' and Dimetapp into a cocktail...You made a drink that tastes like things of my childhood!"

This was certainly not an example of my best cocktail handywork...wasn't meant to be, really. I was asked for a purple drink, and when I innocently joked that I could put purple kool-aid in it, I was brutally challenged that I likely did not even have purple kool-aid on hand, and then practically DARED to use it. This was both foolish (how could I NOT have kool-aid on hand?) and impossible to resist. As a result, the Purple Nasty was born.

1 1/2 oz. Pama
1 1/2 oz. Chambord
1 oz Vodka
1/2 oz. Whipped Cream vodka (because we wanna keep this shit classy)
A gentle sprinkling of grape kool-aid powder

The most awesome part? I tried to take it away from Chaseycakes, but she insisted on drinking it. She also redubbed herself "Biggie-C" while drinking it. Really good Science often involves making up new names for yourself and your loved ones.

And How Does That Make You Feel?

JSun made Chaseycakes a green cocktail. Chaseycakes made Jsun a "yellow" cocktail (something with brandy...I didn't exactly follow). I made my own damn self a "red" cocktail (dirty manhatten--just a splash of cherry juice added). The colors were not intentional, they just happened (almost as if by coincidence! But Science says there is no such thing as coincidence...), and then we noticed that there was a solid stop light theme going on.

The stoplight theme is deeply significant and meaningful, and says something about each individual, as well as about us as a group. I would break it down for you, but analysis of this super-meaningful metaphore is like a Rorschach, and says heaping bucket-loads about the analyzer. It's friggin' Science getting in your head, monkey-truckers!

And I won't show you mine until you show me yours.

The Wholesome Goodness of Christmas

"It tastes like christmas!"
"Holy crap, it is green death!"
"It's like lime and strawberry are going on a date...A christmas date!"
"It looks like it might be Science, to me..."

Some of the statements made about this little number...So canonized as Science, it is. It is also dead useful, because it uses a whole 1/4 ounce of green death! (I really think that is the most you can put in a drink without initiating lethality...I tell you, one random craving for a green Grasshopper, and this shit is going to be in the cupboard for the rest of my damn life.)

2 1/2 oz. Absolute Citron
1 oz. Whipped Cream Vodka
1/4 oz. Pimm's
1/4 oz. Green Creme de Menthe

Sadly, we did not think to frost the rim with holiday edition Pop Rocks until AFTER the drink was in the glass--so, no dice. Incidentally, the holiday Pop Rocks were supposed to taste like candy cane, but instead tasted like some unholy-bastard blend of strawberry and cinnamon. So, in case that cocktail wasn't Science, this certainly is:

The makers of Pop Rocks are lying sacks of cat-pee flavored jello. Also, they have rectal spiders.

Science has spoken.