Friday, October 21, 2011

Science teaches manners: An open letter to the guy behind me

Dear Sir,

Coughing transmits droplets of moisture from one person's lungs/throat/mouth/nose to another's. If Science had not already taught me this, I would now know it thanks to the exhilarating mist of sputum showered upon me by your gooey baby-thing.

Now, I realize you are used to being covered in the juices of your funky little foundling--but I am not. I don't want you to think it is merely the novelty of this mucosal assault that irks me, though.

Science also teaches us that those droplets of moisture are chock-a-bock full of bacteria and viruses. Given the stream of fluid spewing from every orifice in the head of your unfortunate offspring, I suspect there were plenty of bacteria and viruses to go around.

Given that you turned your head the one time you coughed, I suspect you have already learned these valuable lessons from Science. Now, I think you should allow Science to teach you another valuable lesson in manners:


For the love of crackers, man! Point it elsewhere, cover it up, leave it at home, whatever it takes! Just keep your baby slime to yourself! Science says so.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Francy pants chocolate!

What the fuck was I going to say about this cocktail? No one here knows. And they are the ones that insisted I post!

It is:
3/4 oz. Brandy
3/4 oz. Creme de cacao
3/4 oz. Half and half
1/4 oz. Green creme de menthe

Garnish with shavings of premium-ass chocolate. There seems to be some competition for the shavings...I am hoping for hot oil wrestling...

Science has an anus ring!

Okay, so...Anus tattoos. Something needs to be said...but what?

It started with a porn star's tattoo around her butt hole, something to the effect of "One ring to rule them all, One ring to bind them." The question arose as to whether you would hold your own ass cheeks apart for the requisite number of hours, or if you would ask someone else to hold your ass cheeks apart. I think it ended with the question of whether you would wear underwear (and risk a wedgie) if you were going to church on Easter with grandma during the healing period...We decided that if you have an anus tattoo, it is more likely that grandma goes to Easter church commando than you wearing underwear during the healing process. It is just common sense. It is Science!

Apparently anal tattoos are a remedy for chronic back pain:
"The tattoo needles actually draw out the back cramps through your anus...The ink is actually just the good juju that is deposited into your back through your anus." Medical Science by Chaseycakes.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Stupid ninjas!

"Pluralization counts! I don't know why my butt is wet."

And, on another occasion:

"That is some good beer! I need to take off my pants."

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Up with life!

So the Jsun and I were at a Wilderness First Aid class, and we realized something important: Someday a hard-on just might save your life. We were discussing heart attacks and vasodilators (incidentally, vasodilation is one of my favorite words...and phenomena...) and Jsun made the point that, because it is a vasodilator, if you were having a heart attack Viagra might just save your life. Boners for survival, that's Science!