Bubble Gum Whippit Bitch, bitch

So, we bought some whipped cream vodka. Can't say why. I think maybe we were drunk. The liquor store is very close by (an easy walk), so more than once we have found ourselves tipsily wandering the aisles of the ABC. I think it was just before the winter holiday, and I get very "treat" oriented around that time. I want special foods and drinks. I wanted some sort of flavored vodka, and a new flavor, but couldn't find anything that suited. I think we started discussing the whipped cream vodka as a joke, but somehow it ended up in the basket.

It is hard to describe the cloying sweetness that is whipped cream vodka. It is like syrup is strangling your tongue while sugar spanks you and honey records the whole thing. You are left feeling dirty, and wrong, and you can't get the taste out of your mouth...And yet, there is something kind of fun about it.

Nonetheless, however wrong it is, something needs to be done with it.

• 1 part whipped cream vodka
• 1 part amaretto
• 2 parts vodka
• 1 part half and half

Shake well with ice and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with cinnamon (fresh ground is best, as always, but pre-ground will readily work) and wham, bam, thank you Spam, you get this:



 Here's where things get fucked up. Way more fucked up than this trainwreck. When you sip this spirituous abomination, making sure to get just a bit of cinnamon, there is a flavor of bubble gum on the back of the palate. It is absolute craziness. Not Crazy Town, but definitely craziness.

I am trying a new thing where I attempt to explain myself: So, the above clearly explains the bubble gum; the whippit is a reference to the whipped cream, and...well...it is clearly a bitch drink. I made the one above for Jsun, and it made me giggle furiously to think that I was playing a drink bitch...making a bitch drink.

Fun hint: The trick of the tongue that produces the bubble gum flavor seems to relate to having cinnamon, but just a little. If you use pre-ground cinnamon, you can sprinkle it on top and then gently blow on it at an angle. This will spread the cinnamon finely and evenly across the surface. Plus, it is fun.


P.S. I was in a restaurant in Spain, once. It was late (CRAP night of long travel), and the only thing open in the area I was in was a tourist-themed restaurant catering to English speakers. (What is super crazy is that Spaniards--at least in the city--have dinner at 10 at night, so you know it was fucking late.) Anycow, I was in a pisser of a mood, when suddenly the menu saved me with an involuntary guffaw: They had cramberry juice, cramberry cocktails, and even cramberry sauce on a turkey sandwich. Sometimes I try to imagine what a cramberry is like. I suspect you cram it in your cram-hole. But I don't know where my cramhole is.

So, that was totally pointless. Not sure why I thought of that, and even less sure why I posted it. Maybe I was just trying to provide tangible evidence that my current goal is to post something, anything, on a regular basis. And then to work on improving the quality of the content. That's it. This was intentional. And illustrative.

PSA

Science isn't all about fun and games, there is responsibility in Science. And that is why Science and I are bringing you this Public Service Announcement:

At some point, it may come to your attention that you LOVE dark chocolate and red wine together. You might then, one day, be drinking red wine and notice a jug of chocolate milk in the refrigerator. (This may happen after you already had a few swigs from it's delicious contents earlier that morning, while Jsun was in the shower, and giggled to no end as you sang "The best part of waking up, is drinking Jsun's chocolate milk from the jug!" because he DIDN'T EVEN HEAR YOU! Or that may not happen to you, but you notice the jug of chocolate milk in the fridge, just the same.) You might notice this jug, and be inspired that chocolate and wine are so good together--obviously you should make a red wine and chocolate milk cocktail.

DON'T DO IT. Trust me. I am not saying I did it. I mean, who would do that? That is the activity of a crazy person. And at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Monday, no less. Really, what the hell are you trying to say about me? I am a responsible mother-trucking adult. You can tell because I washed purple velvet curtains today. Clearly only responsible adults wash their purple velvet curtains. But that is beside the point. Don't mix red wine and chocolate milk. It tastes gross and the milk gets all curdley, and then it is like chewy milk chunks in lightly chocolated wine...or, so I hear. It's the word on the street.



Hypothetically, if (IF, damnit!) I did that--it was totally in the name of Science. I am like the FDA of bad cocktail ideas. I am here for Science and your protection. Like a condom, only enjoyable. And impulsive. And I have boobs. (Not sure the metaphor is holding up at this point. But it doesn't have to. I have a trump card. It's Science.)

Credentials

You may wonder under what authority it is that I make shit up and call it Science--it is probably about time I shared some credentials:

Lunch is postponed until 2, so I decided it was time for breakfast. What is for breakfast, dear reader? Red wine, beef jerky, and chocolate truffles.

BOOM SHAKALAKA! Credentials.

Bajillion Dollar Idea...

I fucking forgot it!

Jsun wanted me to add the P.S. to my last post, and he is the one who provides the crazy, deep dicking that makes the sun shine and keeps me from killing civilians, so I thought following his advice was the public safety move.

But I forgot my bajillion idea, now. A little sad about that...but I still get the cock, so I am happy. :)

Pirate Rootbeer

Doesn't look too exciting, does it?



Well that's where you are wrong, buck-O. That is Pirate Rootbeer, mother-trucker. It is diet root beer with a fuck-ton of 100 proof root beer vodka in it. And it tastes like root beer with a hard-on. (Actually, it tastes like fancy craft root beer, but that sounds neither funny nor all pirate aggressive-like.)

What makes it really fun? (I might as well fess up before Jsun demands credit ANYWAYS. Like it is my fault he is funny...) As it was explained to me (and mind you, if you have not followed this blog--which nobody has, so you haven't--there has been some curiosity as to why EVERYTHING was garnished with a lime for awhile, even if there was no lime in the drink), the lime was not a garnish. The lime was EQUIPMENT. It held the cocktail sword. (Because how in the hell are you supposed to have a pirate cocktail without a sword?) So the lime was not part of the drink, but a means of securing the necessary sword to the drink.

This was demonstrated to me when the lime was poked into my face...Which resulted in the sword jabbing through the lime and stabbing me in the cheek. I WAS PENETRATED BY A COCKTAIL SWORD!

On the other hand, I found it so amusing, I immediately tweeted it...as a demonstration of how much I love my life. Because, really...When was the last time you were stabbed in the face with a cocktail sword?
Yeah.
It was AWESOME.



P.S. The reason there is no recipe for this balls-awesome drink is that PIRATES DON'T USE RECIPES!!!
I thought this was an unspoken truth, but Jsun said I needed to explain myself. Like crazy gets better if you fill in the blanks.

I think important thoughts!

I have spent a lot of time wondering lately...If I had a beehive hairdo, how would it affect my day to day life?

I bet I would get a lot more free drinks. That would be good.

I bet I would spend a LOT more time on my hair. That would suck. It might even cut into my drinking time. That would suck even more, especially if it cut into my drinking time so much that I couldn't drink the free drinks I got. That is nigh on the definition of hell. I bet that is the evil plan of beehive hairdos in the first place...Maybe beehives are alien parasites that live off booze...I am glad I took the time to think about it. Now I have saved me AND YOU from playing into the hands of evil booze stealing aliens. Community Service. I should get to bank these hours, just in case I ever commit a crime, get convicted, and have to do community service. Then I would be ahead of the game.

Crap monkeys! I have managed to post (rambling, nonsense though it is...), but I can't attach it to Science. Only drinking. I gots my drinking pants on.fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Those "f"s were totally accidental, but I am leaving them. Why? Because I am stubborn. And inebriated. And it allows me to pretend this post is longer.

Fun fact: I own a breathalyzer. Why you ask? Because I lived in Madison, Wisconsin for a year. Craaaazy awesome town (as in the adult, bohemian book club, art show, interesting band variety)...but also full of some WILD drinking. Best place in the world for a Bloody Mary. Because EVERYONE is hung over on Saturday and Sunday morning. One quickly loses perspective. My rampant drinking quickly looked mild. BUT I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT! Or, at least, I pretend. I don't drink and drive.Wisconsin has the worst drunk driving record in the country (after I got my breathalyzer, I encountered DD's that blew .09 or higher--even .14!), and I did not want to participate. It turned out that a breathalyzer makes a great drinking game--everyone wants to know where they are in the drunkenness scheme. To be fair, though, I also carried malt vinegar and Cholula in my car in Wisconsin. But that is a different story.

By the way, I have pics I need to post. Including the pic of the vicious cocktail sword that PENETRATED the flesh of my cheek. I was violated. By a root beer pirate.

Allergies

"Damn hands are way worse than jazz hands!"

It makes perfect sense. Just because I don't have time to connect the dots for you doesn't mean it doesn't. Besides, showing my work wouldn't be very Sciencey.

Update: Jsun wants credit. The quote was his. I told him I already explained that showing my work wasn't Sciency...But he didn't care. I don't think he likes Science. I bet he is one of those religious types. So even though Jsun is awesome, we find ourselves in this awkward situation. To be fair, I totally inspired the quote. I had damn hands. Mostly because they have the magic ability to have a violent allergic reaction to (latex) band-aids that lasts several weeks beyond the minor injury the band-aids were meant to cover. Damn hands.

Oh yeah. That is why the post is called "Allergies." Funny how that works.

Why is there milk in his coke bottle? Also, several key points of irrelevance.

We will set aside my six billion and four excuses for not posting, and get straight to the heart of the matter. Or at least the pancreas of the matter. I am pretty sure it is more important than the appendix of the matter...

So, clearly, having goals is useless in getting me to post regularly. I think I need to bring booze into the equation. That is how one gets shit DONE. Or, at least, how I do. (I hope.)

So I am going to try and post more by posting while drunk/drinking. On the one hand, this makes perfect sense: A) everything is fun with booze; B) I forget; C) this blog was meant to be about drunken exploits; D) it is not clear to me why Hollywood equates leprosy with oatmeal on your skin. Which one of these things does not belong? God, I miss Sesame Street sometimes. The show. Not my dog. My dog is named Sesame Street Rumble, and he is right here. But I miss the show. Life was simpler then. Which just goes to show you: Sometimes I am funny when drinking, and sometimes not.

ANYCOW, I am watching (sort of) Shaolin Soccer. (Which spell check would like to call Sharline Soccer...which is just weird. I have an aunt with that name, and I assure you, she does not play soccer. She just scowls. With jowls.) We WERE going to watch some dumb ass Nick Cage movie (I was given 4 choices and thought it sounded slightly better...it was in his brief gangster phase), but then we got into "The Face Off Conversation."

I contend that "The Face Off Conversation" is a universal phenomenon. Put simply: The movie sucked, but there were elements of awesome. (Aside from just the nostalgia of former John Woo glory, inevitably inspired by the double guns & doves.) Here is the question: WHO brought the awesome? Cage or Travolta? I think this is a no brainer. Plus, I think it reveals a lot about a person's character, such as: Are you smart? Or should you be relegated to giving me oral pleasures? I may be biased...

I think this post reveals just how mixed a bag drinking posts are. But, hell, it is closer to the goal. And it gives me a good excuse to drink again--TO TRY AGAIN! And cartoons tell me I should never give up my dreams. And I do everything cartoons tell me.

P.S. OH CRAP CRACKER SNACKERS! The title! In Shaolin Soccer, this dude is drinking a refreshing beverage...only it appears to be milk (which I hear is "a bad choice"), and it appears to be in a coke bottle. My whole thought process revolved around the theme of "what the monkey-trucking-fuck?" But, apparently, it did not sustain my attention past typing the title...