Saturday, July 29, 2017

Fuck You?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Here is the email I just sent to my biological father (raw human bullshit, for you):

So, it isn't intentional...I have just had a lot of travel, and shit hasn't been going great...so, you know it is always awesome to invite someone who doesn't really know you into a less than ideal situation. I want you to think I am awesome. Sometimes I am, sometimes I am an absolute shit-show. I don't know if you would want to know that person. So I am very scared about inviting you to see me. I might not be, "right."
In the middle of the night the perfect song to express this is:

https://youtu.be/NbxqtbqyoRk
(It is also a decent exemplar of how I deal with the world. I will reject you before you can reject me. Not because I want to, just because I am scared to be so vulnerable as to have not said "no" first.) My mom found that album [Tidal] to be so helpful in my adolescence, she still keeps sending me stuff about Fiona Apple, even though I don't care and haven't mentioned her in years. Just FYI, if you want some back story. I dunno. Some people think music says something. Some don't.

My two favorite songs:

https://youtu.be/ef-4Bv5Ng0w
(How can the world be bad, if it creates that?)

https://youtu.be/JvfqMvxdZTVE

(No idea how or why I settled on something so age-inappropriate, but I did.)
If you insist on a happy song from closer to my generation as a favorite (not saying you did), as long as I am making it weird--let's make it weirder? Because I am trying to make conversation? And I suck at it? And millennials bear the brunt, but a lot of us have been communicating in mix tapes [songs] for much longer.

https://youtu.be/I7rYZjv3wNg
The only problem is I love this song so hard my face might fall off. I want to jump the moment I hear it. And since I broke my ankle and leg, that is a no-no. (BOOO to rules and living for the future. Bah.) This song also gets a little weird with the Nazis...still my favorite, though. It isn't even the song I broke my ankle and leg to, though it should have been. Neither was this:

https://youtu.be/cCCQu5ozxuM
Though it also should have been. Mere weeks earlier I was dancing in the same spot to this song, and I nearly fucking broke something...so I made the rule: No dancing in the kitchen in socks. (That is how grown-ups behave?) Did not save me from grievous injury.

[If you can listen to that without listening to

https://youtu.be/a01QQZyl-_I
I question your integrity...but maybe that is just because that is how I feel right now. Don't tell anyone.]

Totally different note, a more recent song, but the video counts (when you visit, it will probably come up). No matter what you think, watch from 4:45 on...(everybody loves a quality "freak").

https://youtu.be/KQ6zr6kCPj8

Look, it is late. I am drunk. I want to talk to you, I really wish you were on IM. But we have to approach this from both our comfort zones. So...Um. This is me trying? I don't know. This is definitely an attempt at communication. I can do better, if need be.
Overall. I want to talk to you for so many hours...We have to do this. We are both scared.
Um. I think I am free pretty much all of August. Just give me 2 weeks notice, and then please visit.
With love. Love.
Jennifer
Your Daughter
(We are gonna figure this shit out.)



Left in confusion as to how to deal with my biological father,  I essentially sent him the most schizophrenic mix list, ever. And he probably doesn't even know what the hell was happening. SUPER AWESOME!

SO, just wanted to share that I suck at life. If you are reading this it is likely I love you, or at least that I would/will.