Here is the email I just sent to my biological father (raw human bullshit, for you):
So, it isn't intentional...I have just had a lot of travel, and shit hasn't been going great...so, you know it is always awesome to invite someone who doesn't really know you into a less than ideal situation. I want you to think I am awesome. Sometimes I am, sometimes I am an absolute shit-show. I don't know if you would want to know that person. So I am very scared about inviting you to see me. I might not be, "right."
In the middle of the night the perfect song to express this is:
(It is also a decent exemplar of how I deal with the world. I will reject you before you can reject me. Not because I want to, just because I am scared to be so vulnerable as to have not said "no" first.) My mom found that album [Tidal] to be so helpful in my adolescence, she still keeps sending me stuff about Fiona Apple, even though I don't care and haven't mentioned her in years. Just FYI, if you want some back story. I dunno. Some people think music says something. Some don't.
My two favorite songs:
My two favorite songs:
(How can the world be bad, if it creates that?)
(No idea how or why I settled on something so age-inappropriate, but I did.)
If you insist on a happy song from closer to my generation as a favorite (not saying you did), as long as I am making it weird--let's make it weirder? Because I am trying to make conversation? And I suck at it? And millennials bear the brunt, but a lot of us have been communicating in mix tapes [songs] for much longer.
The only problem is I love this song so hard my face might fall off. I want to jump the moment I hear it. And since I broke my ankle and leg, that is a no-no. (BOOO to rules and living for the future. Bah.) This song also gets a little weird with the Nazis...still my favorite, though. It isn't even the song I broke my ankle and leg to, though it should have been. Neither was this:
Though it also should have been. Mere weeks earlier I was dancing in the same spot to this song, and I nearly fucking broke something...so I made the rule: No dancing in the kitchen in socks. (That is how grown-ups behave?) Did not save me from grievous injury.
[If you can listen to that without listening toI question your integrity...but maybe that is just because that is how I feel right now. Don't tell anyone.]
Totally different note, a more recent song, but the video counts (when you visit, it will probably come up). No matter what you think, watch from 4:45 on...(everybody loves a quality "freak").
Look, it is late. I am drunk. I want to talk to you, I really wish you were on IM. But we have to approach this from both our comfort zones. So...Um. This is me trying? I don't know. This is definitely an attempt at communication. I can do better, if need be.
Overall. I want to talk to you for so many hours...We have to do this. We are both scared.
Um. I think I am free pretty much all of August. Just give me 2 weeks notice, and then please visit.
With love. Love.
Your Daughter(We are gonna figure this shit out.)
Left in confusion as to how to deal with my biological father, I essentially sent him the most schizophrenic mix list, ever. And he probably doesn't even know what the hell was happening. SUPER AWESOME!
SO, just wanted to share that I suck at life. If you are reading this it is likely I love you, or at least that I would/will.